I talked to my grandma on the phone tonight. I knew I missed her, but I didn't know how much! It's been so long since I've seen her or talked to her, and I think she felt that. She kept asking me when I'd go back, and I told her next year. Then she ask about when I would go back again after that, or would I go to another country to further my studies?

Underneath those questions, I think she was worried that she would not see me for much longer. My grandma is already in her 70s, and is fairly healthy, but like most elderly people, she's probably starting to worry about death. And to be honest, I'm kinda worried too. My other grandma (on my dad's side) passed away while I was here in NZ, and I've always felt sad that I was never able to say goodbye to her. I felt even sadder when I went back to Malaysia, and an aunt told me how my grandma actually considered me as one of her favourites. I never knew that. I had always assumed I did not take that big a place in my grandma's heart. But now, I know that my grandma showed her love in other ways, like the way she cooks my favourite food when she visits, or the way she asks about my studies at school, or the way she travels 2 hours alone in a cab from her home to our house in the city to visit our family. Even now, after about 4 years after her passing away, I still tear up whenever I think about her.

This is why I'm worried about my grandma who's still alive. She is much healthier than other people her age, as she still works and rides the bicycle every day. But there is always the evil of old age. I don't want to have another loved one taken away from me. I think I will cry my eyes out, seriously I think I will. Just thinking about it now makes me want to cry.

My trip back home next year is very important to me, more than I actually knew myself. I need to see my grandma and let her know how much I love her, and to let her see one of her grandchildren (my sister and I are the oldest among our cousins) graduate university. I know that is a great wish of hers, and I'm gonna fulfill it by working the hardest in uni, no matter how difficult it gets!

There is another point to my trip home as well. The last time I went home, I avoided going to my deceased grandma's grave. I kept giving all sorts of excuses for not going back, and my dad has never pressured me to visit her grave. Sometimes, I wondered why I absolutely refused to go back to my grandma's hometown. I thought it was because I have never gotten along with my cousins or my uncle and aunt, and the only reason to visit was my grandma, who was no longer there. But slowly, I realised that the real reason was that I felt guilty for not being there for my grandma at her worst and most vulnerable time, and for not saying goodbye to my grandma before she passed away. I felt as if I could not face her grave. But this time, when I go back, I will pay my respects. After all, if I never visit her grave, doesn't that mean I never say goodbye to her? My grandma was a woman who believed in tradition, even though she also tried to adapt to modern times, and I want to respect that.

I miss you so much. And I love you so much. I wish you knew.